Going Back to Move Forward Epilogue

Epilogue: Kintsugi

1970, Kansas

She was breaking.

23-year old Rose calmly drove more than her headlights would allow. Yet her hands were steady at the wheel. The stars have gradually multiplied to bursts and clusters, filling the dark blue sky as she arrived between fields of Kansas.

Her eyes she caught in the rear view mirror might've something akin to panic. But her face was numb as she focused back on the road.

By the time she arrived to their grandparents' -now Jack's home, it was later. Dogs barked and the porch light opened as she parked outside the fence.

The dogs scrambled out of the doggy door as a sleepy Jack opened the door, hair disheveled.

"Rose?" he rushed down to open the gate. "No, Ninja! Down!" he commanded when one of them tried to put his front paws on her. Before Rose could do anything, he picked her up under the armpits to have a good look on her.

"Hello Jack," she smiled.

Jack's eyes searched her face for a moment. "Let's go inside."

The inside was just as she remembered when she last visited him. An organized clutter that Jack only knew. The six foster dogs sniffed and licked her hands before settling down on the living room.

"Is someone giving you trouble again?" he asked as they went to the kitchen. "You're going to give Maman gray fur at this rate."

"You're the one who gave her a gray coat first," she chided dryly.

XOXOXO

Houston, 1966

"You expect me to fight and kill people who doesn't look like you or talk like you when I look like you and talk like you and still can't get inside shops and bathrooms?"

The cameras flashed, the mikes hovered in front of 19-year-old Jack as he was led out, hands cuffed behind him. He got the hunch the officer paraded him like this as part of his humiliation. Yet he stood up straight and defiant.

"Toons fought beside you in World War 2, yet they still can't get equal treatment in this so-called Land of the Fee. And you expect me to do the same?"

Rhoda watched from the sidelines, unable to cross the throngs of people. Jack arrived for his scheduled induction to the US Armed Forces. Yet three times that his name was called, Jack didn't step forward. An officer warned him disobeying was punishable by 5 years of prison and $10,000 fine. Still Jack glared, ice frosting the room as his name was called once again.

"I have no fight with Viet Cong. They never called me inktard. They never called me shit blot. They never tried to hurt my friends for their own amusement because some toons can 'shake it off.' Oh for fuck's sake, arrest me already! We're still in prison anyway!"

Rhoda felt all cameras zoomed to her as though expecting a reaction. To faint maybe. But somehow, she wasn't surprised.

XOXOXO

Kansas, 1970

Rose laughed, putting a hand over her forehead at the memory. "ToonTown Police didn't want to hire you after that."

It was true, after graduating from ToonTown Police Academy, Jack simply shrugged and studied to be a certified dog trainer. The US Department of Justice denied his claim for conscientious objector status, pursuing a legal case against him with Ms. Laurens as his lawyer. He was found guilty as a draft dodger in his trial which he then repealed to the Supreme Court. All that time, he remained free but not allowed to travel outside the country.

What they didn't expect was Jack's outspoken defiance had put a new push in the Toons Civil Rights Movement. Jack had no problem being invited to talk. Just because toons are considered fools, didn't mean they should suffer fools.

The US Supreme Court eventually reversed his convictions in 1968.

"You put it all in line," Rose quietly commented. His physical prowess and sense of justice motivated him to succeed in ToonTown's Police Academy. She knew women had gushed at seeing him in a police uniform and media people would ask who was he going out with whenever they have the chance. "What kind of a question is that?" he would reply. "I'm a police officer. Not a Hollywood heartthrob."

But after being an officer for a year, he opted to become an animal officer here in Kansas, part of the people rescuing and rehabilitating animals along the way. People had sighed at the waste of talent, but for Rose, it was a perfect job for someone who could judge moods where verbal communication is lacking in the dog's part.

Jack snorted. "I put it all in line?" he echoed in disbelief. "What about you?"

XOXOXO

ToonTown, 1967

While lesbians are often disapproved and ignored. Gay men were often harassed. After a news story of another riot, 20-year old Rose had picked up her pen. The few radio stations who had dared, played her song.

"We don't need every nations' interpreters

We don't need all of the intellectuals

To know not all homosexuals are predators

Not all predators are homosexuals

.

You hunt them like witches, these "sexual deviants"

You quote the Bible when it is convenient

If Leviticus is still applicable today,

You should be dead for working in Sabbath day

.

Go pretend they're wrong as you hurt and abuse them

Giving grief to two consenting adult men

Can you look in the mirror and say that you're right?

But none of us are going to give up this fight!"

.

Rose didn't exactly disobeyed Pa -she didn't revealed her sexuality. But when Pa and Maman had arrived at her flat after hearing her song in the radio, she could tell one of them was mad.

Maman did most of the talking. Pa sat there, silent. His eyes contained a certain intensity. Rose had the feeling Maman had calmed him down before they have arrived to her flat.

"You have no idea how far people will hate irrationally," he suddenly spoke, his voice dangerously low, breaking Maman's chatter.

"Jesse!" Maman exclaimed exasperatedly. "What's done is done." Then she turned to Rose. "Your father and I are really, really worried for you. We're wondering if you would want a bodyguard in the future."

Rose refused, saying Maman taught her Bunny Boxing. But they did reach a compromise that Pa would teach her how to use a gun.

The song, Go Pretend They're Wrong would then topped the charts in 1968 as most controversial songs would. In the future, no one expected it to become a war chant in the Stone Wall Riots in 1969.

XOXOXO

Kansas, 1970

Jack rubbed his temples with both hands and rabbit ears. "It was a nightmare," he stated. "It was worse than what I received for refusing to be drafted."

While he got letters either thanking him or slurs like "Think you can do anything you want for being the rabbitfucker's son?" sifting through Rose's fan mail was bouncing between heaven and hell. On one hand, queer people thanked and praised her. On the other hand, she received drawings of her being… to horrible to mention.

At first, Rose had felt hurt by their father's reaction. Didn't he took action to give better opportunities to toons even though humans and even toons themselves, had jeered him for it? But the turn of events had made her realized that Pa hadn't been angry at her. Maman had been right. He was worried for her. With good reason.

Everyone that Rose knew, from Aunt Mina to her attorney, received photos of themselves with target circles painted around their heads. Her producer didn't allow her to have a concert fifty miles from Southern states. A radio station in there was burned for playing her song.

XOXOXO

Encino, California, 1968

Her only regret was giving their parents stress. Jack, most of all.

"Faggot lover! Faggot lover!"

The crowd in the east wing were standing up in the middle of her concert. A woman that could've been someone's mom. A man dressed nicely in a suit. A lady in her 40s jumping up and down, raising her fists and red in the face. Even some toons. People she could've seen in the streets.

21-year old Rose tried to focus on her song. But the chanting was too intruding, too virulent. The rest of the crowd, stared stunned.

She had never considered herself as brave. She had only considered herself as right. And people's prejudice about gay people were ridiculous. And here they are, ready to brutalize her as hundreds of her hate mail had promised.

For the first time, she was afraid.

Their jeering pressed her, acidic and scorching. Her vision blurred. Her breath choked in her throat, unable to continue. Rose left the stage, her heart racing. The crowds cheered, booed and hissed. She didn't stopped running until she got into the ladies' bathroom.

Shaking hands gripped the cold sink. Paint still pounding in her ears. Are queer people really that hateful? That undeserving?

She wished Pa was here. She wished Maman was here. She wished Jyrgal was here. She wished-

Her head whipped up to face the mirror.

Jack! She left Jack behind the stage! If he heard them, he's going to-

"Rose!"

The bathroom door slammed opened. A highly uncomfortable Jack went inside the ladies' bathroom and closed the door behind her.

He didn't ask if she was alright. He could see the state of her face.

"I'm just glad you didn't go ballistic out there," Rose said, gripping his sleeve.

"Rose, remember the guy who spat on your food in the restaurant and I cuffed him, telling the manager to call the police?" Jack reminded. Finally knowing the rules of the world had its advantages.

There was a knock on the bathroom. The concert's promoter appeared.

"What are you doing here? You've got to get back on the stage!"

Rose tried not to shrink back. "I can't. What if they started throwing things at me? What if someone throws a water balloon of Dip?"

For a moment, Rose thought Jack was going to snap at the promoter. Instead, he took the door. "Let me handle this," he said, before closing it.

"I don't want you to go back in there," he baldly stated. There was a protesting noise on the other side as though the promoter have his ear pressed against the door. Without glancing at the door, Jack kicked it sideways to shut him up.

"But if I went out there and arrested each and every one of them, they're still going to think they've won." He raised his eyes to the ceiling as though hating himself for what about he would say next. "If you don't go back there, they'll win. The Rose I know would NOT let them win."

Jack and the promoter walked her back to the wings. Climbing up the stage, Rose squared her shoulders and stretched her fingers in front of the piano. She began to play Go Pretend They're Wrong again.

There were a few shouts. Rose ignored it, tuned it out. Singing the first few verses. The shouting persisted. She took solace at the fact that Jack was watching, ready to take action for whatever may happen.

Finally, the audience took the matter in their own hands. A few walked over to the people shouting and told them to shut up. An usher came, asking them to leave.

As they march out, Rose stopped singing but continued playing the piano. She looked at them. All of them, her head held high. Showing them she's no longer afraid. Her mouth sang the last verse.

"Can you look in the mirror and say that you're right?

But none of us are going to give up this fight!"

The crowd cheered with a standing applause even before she finished the final notes.

XOXOXO

Kansas, 1970

Jack rested both his elbows on the table, clutching his head. "It still makes me angry, remembering that," her brother admitted. "But most of all, I was scared for you." It sort of made him proud he was finally able to protect and defend Rose and Maman without making it worse for them. But as they began to live their own lives...

He straightened up, sighing. "I realized back then, I couldn't protect you forever." Jack shrugged. "Growing up, I realized I couldn't always be there for Maman." He rested a hand over his heart. "I'm just thankful for the people in that concert who stood up against those jerks." It was that moment that he had realized, his sister was going to be fine.

The kettle whistled and Jack went to get it.

"I remember Maman marching for gay rights," she reminisced. "People had always speculated if she's bisexual because of her many close relationships. But I know she was just trying to make the world a safer place for me." She smiled down at the floor, half-proud, half embarrassed. "She really didn't need to do that."

Unfortunately, since their mother openly spoke about gay rights, quoted the study that homosexuals are just as well-adjusted or better off than straight people; people no longer see her as family-friendly. Acme Studios got her out of "The Baby Mina" show and into late-night sitcoms. Aunt Mina also quit her own show, tired of acting like an infant and followed her.

"And that's how Pa, you, me and Maman each got a page in FBI's Reserve Index," he laughed, pushing a mug of hot chocolate in her hands. Ticking his fingers, "Pa for toon equality. Me for refusing to be drafted. You for being a gay sympathizer and Maman for supporting gay rights. All we did was just speak out."

"Reserve Index are for people considered not dangerous enough," Rose recited. "But are considered influential enough to sway people against national interest. If they want, they will detain us in case of national emergency." It was kind of scary but since none of them were known to participate in communism, their phones weren't being tapped and their careers weren't being intervened… yet.

"Aunt Mina was so jealous," Jack chortled. But then his face became serious. "But why are you here, Rose? Whatever's giving you trouble, Pa or Maman would be of more help."

The steaming cup of coco in her hands slowly began to top with frost. Jack looked up when snow began to fall.

"It's not… about work."

The dogs began to howl. The flurry of snow began to spin faster.

"I'm fine, really," Rose continued although her voice sounded unsure... then strained. "Jyrgal left."

Frosty winds whipped his rabbit ears. Her longtime friend and finally lived-in partner of five years?

"What?"

"She didn't break up with me!" her voice skittered like smooth soles on dangerous ice. "But I couldn't make her stay."

Snow winds screamed. The dogs began to yelp in the living room. Jack got up, leaning against the force of the storm.

"She had always been there for me. When I'm afraid. When I'm happy. When my song becomes a hit," her voice was deadpanned, numb to the mini-blizzard surrounding her. "Me... my... I..."

"I raced to the port when I found her note," she couldn't feel anything. "I was able to catch her. Tell her I'm sorry for making her feel alone." It hurt to swallow. Tiny shards started to form in the corners of her eyes.

Jack braced his arms against the wind. He tried to call out her name -but the clanging of pots and pans, the windows banging in their sills -drowned it.

"She said she had been waiting to feel appreciated for so long, she needed to find herself again." Ice began to form on her fur, refusing to feel the raw inside her-

Warm arms suddenly embraced her. The snow stopped as it appeared.

"I… I didn't know," she hissed through gritted teeth as the frost that framed her eyes finally melted into tears.

It was a while before Rose calmed down. Jack had warmed the hot chocolate again, making sure she had some of it to bring back some color in her bunny cheeks.

"Jyrgal went to look for snow leopards to find herself," Rose said, withered. "It had always been her dream to take a photo of one."

Now that she thought about it, she had never discouraged Jyrgal nor encouraged her to pursue it. Not because she didn't want that dream for her. She just knew that Jyrgal was too shy and timid to be out there. Rose looked down thoughtfully, her gut twisting. But had she even tried to help her partner with her dream?

Her mouth turned to a bitter line. No, she was too busy with her own.

"She's going to come back, right?" Jack asked.

Rose shook her head. "She promised," she said, remembering Jyrgal reassuring her, aware of rabbit nature. "But she's not sure when." When had she always wanted to leave? When had she became exhausted always being there for her as she quietly pursued photography in the background?

"Rose?" Jack asked carefully, seeing icicles project above them the darker her glare.

"It's not that I never wanted to go to her galleries," she blurted out. "I'm just busy. It's hard being a singer. To always be on top. Why didn't she say anything?!" her words were punctuated with the icicles dropping, stabbing the kitchen floor.

Jack became silent. But Rose knew the answer to her own question. Knowing Jyrgal, she would never complain to Rose as to not get in her way.

"At least she didn't say it's over. Does Maman know?"

She looked down. Since Jyrgal didn't technically wanted to end their relationship. She didn't exactly broke down like the worst-case scenarios. "Not yet. I didn't want them to see me like this."

"Hey Rose," Jack said gently. "If there's a good person who has done something wrong has made up for it, it's her."

Rose sighed, remembering Maman's ordeal. "When I realized she was leaving, I felt it."

"Felt what?"

"What the IMA was talking about. Going against nature. Fueled by tooniness." She leaned back on the chair. "But I didn't react with fear like Maman did. I didn't react with depression like Mr. Wood did." Her hands fiddled with each other's gloves. "I didn't even reacted with anger like Silka Swann did. I just felt numb. Frozen."

"I didn't care that I was literally trapped in a hunk of ice my own feelings have projected." She hunched over, resting her forehead in her hands. "I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I ignored every phone call. I just sat there."

Jack sat on the armrest of the chair, putting a hand on her shoulder. She remembered ice forming around her, unable to escape her own mind. It had methodically played back every moment she and Jyrgal have lived together, pointing out all the times she had passed the opportunity to appreciate her partner. Every opportunity of not noticing anything wrong. You failed her, her mind had coldly stated. You are to blame. You're nothing but a selfish, self-absorbed- It had went on and on. Days of self-loathing had withered her will, unable to contact Jyrgal in any way.

"It was so hard thinking the relationship is going to end," her eyes looked distracted, seeing her own memories. "It was so easy to just..." Was this what Maman had felt? Had been through?

Understanding drowned her further into her own sadness.

"You couldn't eat?" Jack asked, sensing something in her words. "When did she left?"

"Six days ago."

"Rose!"

"I did ate. A little," she defended. "But I couldn't bear to be alone in our flat for one more day, I went here." Her last memory with Jyrgal played, her head bowed. "Please, Rose. I just need to do this for myself."

Jack scrambled to open a can of chicken soup, heating it over the stove. She looked down, her ears drooping.

"Jyrgal never saw me as this," she pointed at her pretty face. "Or my songs. Or even this," she pointed at her generous chest.

He blocked the offending view. "Can you not?"

"She saw me as me," she continued, putting a hand over her heart. "And I..." Her fists gripped, the seams of her gloves straining.

Jack regarded her, a warm bowl of soup ready. "I'll come with you to Pa and Maman."

"But the dogs-"

"Mrs. Macowsky owes me a favor. Don't you worry."

XOXOXO

ToonTown, 1970

"It's been awhile since I've been here," Jack mused, looking up at the high-rise tower where their parents reside.

They both faced the front door. "Ready?"

Rose nodded and Jack pushed the doorbell.

Maman opened the door with a gasp of delight. "Oh Jesse! Jack and Rose is here!"

"Hey Ma-hrk!" Jack gasped when Maman grabbed Rose into a hug and managed to leap and hook her other arm around his neck, bending him over.

By the time, their mother let them go, Rose looked around. The walls were filled with clippings of her and Jack in the events of their lives. Even the one time a pap asked what do they think about fans that pair them romantically. Rose had a suspicion it was to get a reaction, based by the pap's glee of Jack's horrified expression, but she had replied anyway. "Please don't inject your sexual fantasies in our family bond."

But then her breath hitched at the photograph of a dinner concert a long time ago...

XOXOXO

ToonTown, 1965

"I would like to dedicate this song," Rose said, walking towards the stage. Her red strapless gown sparkled in the spotlights. "To a very special someone."

The people applauded in the dark. Standing before a mike stand, she hummed low as Jack played the piano at the back.

"Should I try to hide

The way I feel inside

My heart for you?"

A hush fell. Rhoda looked on proudly, Jesse beside her.

"Would you say that you

Would try to love me too?"

.

"In your mind

Could you ever be

Really close to me?"

Deep inside, Rose tried not to blush. Yet her heart hammered, singing the song for someone in particular. Someone among the silenced crowd.

"I can tell the way you smile

If I feel that I

Could be certain then

I would say the things I want to say tonight"

She looked up and straight to the gray eyes framed by black markings. The next day, gossip columns went mad trying to speculate who's the lucky guy. A human actor? A humanoid? Surely, it runs in the family. Rose didn't care, walking beside her. Unable to hold hands in public, yet feeling closer to her friend than ever before.

XOXOXO

ToonTown, 1970

Jack became a bit terrified with Rose trying not to cry. Quickly, he distracted Maman as his sister tried to compose herself.

"Rose, Jack," Pa said, coming out of the kitchen. "It's been awhile since you two visit."

Preparing lunch was like the old times during weekends. They asked Edgar Wood is and his family. Turned out he won child custody. Silka Swann was finally at peace of what happened. The IMA hotline had celebrated its 5th anniversary.

"How's Aunt Mina, Maman?"

"Oh she and Leroy decided to go into a non-sexual romantic relationship."

Jack winced. "We really don't need to know their decision about sex."

"Jaaaack," Rhoda said in a bit of a sing-song voice. "Wouldn't it be nice if one day, they'll get married?"

"You don't need to be so excited for them," Jesse replied as they sat down to eat. "It took me four times before you even said yes again."

Both twins looked up. "What?"

"I asked your mother for almost 2 years before she said yes," Jesse clarified.

Rhoda elbowed at his snooty tone. "I never said no either." She turned to the twins. "Just not yet."

Rose glanced at their photo where they had renewed their vows in 1964. "Why?" she asked.

Their mother's expression become pensive. "I have to forgive myself first. I'm really grateful about your father being patient with me." She looked at them apologetically. "I'm sorry for making you wait too."

The twins looked at each other. It was practically a year that they have spent as one family before they've both moved out. Jack shrugged and Rose nodded back. It's strange how a time limit made them appreciate the moments they have, living under one roof. They both looked at their parents again.

"No prob, Maman," he answered. It would've been nice if... but that's that.

"So what brings y'all here?" Rhoda asked, engagingly leaning forward. 

Rose hesitated before something caught her eyes. "Maman, what's that?"

"Oh that?" Rhoda pointed at the top shelf, she hopped off, leaping to get it. "It's a cup I broke one time!"

Rose stared. Back in France, they couldn't have anything decorative that was ceramic. Jack and Maman's grace were like two bulls in a china shop decorated with red flags.

But…

"Silka saw me broke it and asked for the pieces. I mean sure, why not?" She shrugged. "But when she returned it back to us…"

"Whoa," Jack stared in awe.

The cup was cracked as though it had collapsed into pieces and were put back together again. But the cracks were lined with gold.

"It's called Kintsugi," their father explained. "It's when you put together broken ceramics with lacquer mixed with gold."

Rose held the cup at eye level. "It's beautiful."

"It's more beautiful," Rhoda smiled. "Than it had been when it was flawless. The gold defines the cracks that remade the cup itself."

Rose placed back the cup, between Pa and Maman, who she knew were holding hands under the table. Jack put a hand on her shoulder. 

Her heart lifted as it waited for Jyrgal's return. For now, she knew everything's going to be alright.